Current mood:
calm Ranting Stephen: Glad To See I'm Still Here
I don't intend to write too much tonight but knowing me, I might end up writing a book.
Hey! I've got over 1500 blog views! That means somewhere out there people are stealing my feelings. Bastards. (not literally though, in the insult way)
I won't go into details about the situation because It's not entirely my story to tell, and so without permission from the involved parties, I will not give away their identities. It's the code of honor I try to live by. So I'll be as vague as possible without obscuring the point of my story in the fog.
Recently, I offered up the use of my body as a gift. I had planned to use it to bring physical pleasure to the person(s) the gift was intended for. Not sex, but for everything else. Up to home base, but getting out on a fly ball and having to touch up on third again. (wow, Stephen making an analogy using sports) I had planned it for three days, working out all possible angles and solutions to any problems that may arise. I didn't want to get caught, but then who does?
Now my reasons for doing this was none other than to fulfill my own carnal desires. (Carnal: pertaining to or characterized by the flesh or body) Yes, even I give in to the urge sometimes. figured it would work out both ways: I'd be giving a unique gift that would be nearly impossibe to forget, and I'd pick up some experience points as well. Books and porn can only teach you so much after all.
The day to present the gift had arrived. I was supposed to get to school at 745 so we (said person(s) and I) could have plenty of time to mess around before classes started and the chances of being caught would sky rocket. I was running a little late (as I do 50 percent of the time) so I rushed to our meeting spot. I was alone. I checked my phone and sure enough , I had received a text message almost a half hour early saying The person(s) would not be arriving. No big deal right? Just try again tomorrow.
And so we made plans to try again the next day.
Then later on that night, the other party decided they did not want to go as far as third base anymore. Some"shyt" happened during the day... blah blahh blahhh. When I read it, somewhere inside, I was relieved. Only I hadn't realized that's what I was feeling. I responded by saying (paraphrased) "As you wish" . A short conversation ensued, and what I wanted to do somehow came up in the conversation. I said that personally, I'd prefer to just present a picture that I would draw because it requires hard work and dedication; something lost in just hooking up with someone. The party responded "Fineee... just draw me the picture"
I responded by saying I would still go through with the original plan because that's what they wanted, not the picture.
If you heard those words like I did (I hear written words in peoples' voices)then you'd understand why I got upset from reading it. To me, it was an insult. It was I who offered to give my services and it was my choice to go through with it. How could you be upset that I thought a hand-drawn picture would be a more meaningful gift than that? Then, you should be happy I even planned a gift for you, regardless of what it was.
I decided I wasn't going to give a gift at all anymore. It would go unappreciated. And I began thinking of how I would break it to the party why I wouldn't give the gift. Amidst these thoughts, I came to a realization: I felt guilty.
I felt guilty about using the party as a tool. I felt guilty about stringing along the party, knowing that the only reason they'd go through with it because they liked me. I felt guilty because I like a girl who I think might be a good girl, and this would only add to that feeling of me being wrong for her. And most of all I felt guilty for asking myself to go through with it. I couldn't do it with all of that on my conscience.
And so I didn't. I got to school late.
And that's what this was all about. Despite my constantly adapting personality-which disappoints me just as much as it amazes me- I've still managed to retain my original personality. As much as I wanted to ditch it and change it to improve myself, I'm still there. That's the one I grew up with, and It's the one I'll never forget. I thought I'd lost sight of who I was, and I haven't.
I'm glad to see you're still here Stephen.
